Monthly Archives: September 2012

The Gym Chronicles – Part 9 “The End”

Well, this is the end. The last in this series.

Going to the gym for me is the stress reliever. There are many people there, sweating and working hard but I always feel like I’m there alone. Which is exactly where I want to be. Among the crowd, but alone. It’s that time of the day to sweat, work hard and actually feel like I have accomplished something.

We all need this. Whether it’s the gym, a great book, digging in the garden or walking your dog. Find a way to go to that place. A place you can call your own. I am fortunate, I have many places where I can be within my own mind. The gym is my sweaty, smelly place to be alone. Find yours and revel in it.

Next up – Tales from the Road.

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The Gym Chronicles – Part 8 “The Saran Wrap Man”

First I have to say that my gym has a great way to keep customers. On Monday nights, they serve free pizza. I thought that while we were trying to stay in shape and lose weight we should not eat pizza. It’s kind of like the dentist that tells his patients to eat lots of candy and drink lots of sugar drinks…

Tonight I was lifting weights and there was this guy with a fairly large belly. When he lifted the weight bar above his head, his shirt would lift and I could see his belly. His bell was wrapped in Saran wrap. It was all sweaty and well just plain gross. 

I had to ask. “Hey man, what’s up with the plastic wrap around your mid section?” 

“I wanna lose some weight around my waist so I’m makin it sweat more.” Well, it sure made him sweat more.

On my way out of the gym Saran wrap man was eating pizza.

 

 

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The Gym Chronicles – Part 7 “10 Random Thoughts”

Running is a great exercise when you can achieve “The Zone.” The Zone is a place where your breathing works in rhythm with your own body motions, and loose track of time and all kind of random thoughts will pop into your mind.

Here are my 10 random gym thoughts from today’s time on the treadmill.

1) Local youth soccer started today. Excellent, there are no Soccer Moms here today.

2) Dude, why are you wearing those spandex shorts? You are in dire need of a well placed sock.

3) My lengthy date with Johnny Walker last night is not helping me this morning.

4) Can’t decide if the sweat marks under women’s breasts are sexy or not.

5) There are a lot of guys here that just love to stand in front of the mirror and look at themselves.

6) Dude, you gotta trim that back hair that is growing up and over the back of your t-shirt.

7) The Men’s locker room has those water-less urinals. Who has to remove the filter?

8) How can that lady work the elliptical and read a book at the same time?

9) Tip, never put non waterproof mascara on before you go to the gym.

and

10) Yes, those sweat marks under women’s breasts are sexy.

Have a great weekend.

 

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The Gym Chronicles – Part 6 “You Should See The Women’s Locker room”

The response to this series of posts has been fantastic! Thank you so much.  There have been a few comments directly to the series and there have been many comments sent via email.  Here are a few of the more notable.

To “Butt, Sweat and Tears” a reader commented that I should see the women in the women’s locker room standing in front of the mirror fixing their make up and tossing their heads from side to side to see how their hair will look when it gets tossed about. Another reader said that I should see the number of women who walk around the women’s locker room bare breasted with just a towel wrapped around their waist. I would love to see all that except that I don’t think I would be allowed in the women’s locker room! (During my very first work out in my gym I did, on accident, walk into the women’s locker room but only saw a fully clothed older woman talking on a cell phone.)

In “6-Pack vs. The Keg,” a reader wondered if when said that my wife asked where was my tap,  if I was using the word “tap” as euphemism for something else. It never crossed my mind but after rereading the post again, I thought that if I had planned that phrase in a different context it would have been rather funny.

And finally it’s hard to believe how many people have commented that THEY should go to the gym. all I have to say is, get off your a** and go. Invest a little time each day to your health.

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The Gym Chronicles – Part 5 “Body Art”

There is no doubt that body art, formally known as tattoos are the in thing and they are certainly on display at the gym. The ancient art of permanent  body decoration is practiced today by 18 year olds and those well into their 50’s and beyond. With new tools, techniques and better inks the art seems to be holding up much better than in the old days. Even fairly new tat’s on old wrinkly skin seem to hold up well.

There are some tattoo’s and some placement of tattoo’s that I just don’t understand. This is because in most cases tat’s are a  personal statement. I respect that. I just have a difficult time figuring out why someone needs a crazed, screaming clown ink’ed on their arm or words tattoo’ed across their bald head. I do admit that I enjoy the female “Tramp Stamp” especially when the lady positions her workout shorts low and her sports top high to make sure everyone is privileged enough to have a peak.

I have five tattoos. Three that are easy to see at the gym and two that are not. The availability of my tat’s has nothing to do with the strategic placing of my gym shorts. The easy three are on my legs under my knees and the other two are on my upper arm. If I wear a sleeveless shirt, you can see them.

One in particular seems to garner the most conversation and it bothers me. On the outside of my left calf, I have a German eagle with the German colors of black, red and yellow. I had it done to commemorate my son’s three trips to Germany to play soccer. I constantly am asked, “Is that German?” and after I answer, it is always followed by the asker shaking his head in the positive with a smart ass grin.  The problem is that it is alway the big dumbass looking guy with a bald head and a crazed, screaming clown tattoo’ed on his head and some word etched on his neck. Are these guys happy that they remembered where Germany is located? Or do they actually believe that I am a neo-Nazi? Or am I just to sensitive?

I think I will just keep my eye on that lady in front of me on the treadmill with the “Tramp Stamp.”

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The Gym Chronicles – Part 4 “6-Pack vs. The Keg”

Damn those 6-pack abs!

I watch those TV ads, look at photos of movie stars, male and female, and I see how my wife, Patti drools over photos of a shirtless David Beckham.

“Sure” I say, “It’s easy to have 6-pack abs when you have all that time to work out or if you have a personal trainer like all those movie stars!” Patti just looks at me and chuckles. One day she even walked around me and asked where the tap was for my keg. See what you have done to all of us Mr. Beckham?

Here is my dilemma, 6-pack abs require a lot of crunches and sit ups and twists etc. I HATE AB WORK! It makes my stomach upset and no matter how many crunch-type exercises I do I never can create anything more than a well-shaped keg. It really bothers me to see these guys wearing tight sweaty cotton shirts that outline their ripped abs. The hell with those guys, I hate them all. I saw this guy once wet the front of his wife-beater so it would cling to his abs.

Being an internet junkie, I searched and found the prerequisite to 6-pack abs and a scientific excuse for me to never do a sit up again. Yes! If you have fat in your belly area, you will never have 6-pack abs. Never! Well, at least as long as you have the fat there. Considering my genetic predisposition and my age, having 6-pack abs is about as likely as me spending the weekend with Cheryl Burke.

A keg or a 6-pack? Fat is a good thing.

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The Gym Chronicles – Part 3 “Butt, Sweat, and Tears

I love sweat. It’s my favorite part of going to the gym. I welcome it. I revel in it.

The new workout clothing is designed with a “wicking” material that is supposed to wick the sweat away from your body making it evaporate easier. The result is that after a tough workout, you don’t have those sweat marks on your shirt. Some people still wear cotton shirts to work out in. Gray cotton shirts are the best for showing sweat marks on men and women alike.

So at my gym, you are asked to wipe down the equipment after you use it. They have spray bottles filled with a mild disinfectant and paper towels. I would say that 100% of the women wipe down the equipment and about 70% of the guys. Some guys are just too darn cool to wipe down a piece of equipment. They are usually the guys who work out in wife beaters.

My gym routine starts with 35-40 minutes on the treadmill then I work 30 minutes on the weight machines. I think that my biggest surprise I have had is how much my butt sweats. You should see the sweaty wet spot that my butt leaves on the seat of the weight machines. It’s rather embarrassing. This butt sweat puddle has to be cleaned before I move on. I can’t be the only one. So I also wipe the seat before I use the equipment just in case the previous user left their mark.

I don’t want to mix my butt sweat with one of those guys in wife beater t-shirts.

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The Gym Chronicles – Part 2 “Things That Don’t Match”

About 4 days a week there is this woman who comes to the gym. She is usually there before I arrive. Her outfit is always the same. Black exercise pants, black sweatshirt type top, no make up. I would say she was 55. She looks a lot like the wife of coffin salesman I used to know.

I’m encouraged by the way she looks. She has a large rear end and no makeup. I like to see this in the gym. (I will write about the tight little butts and full make up later.) It’s a kind of a what you see is what you get look. Up until this day I have seen her either on the elliptical riding next to a tall 40ish bald guy wearing a hat, (I don’t understand why bald guys were a hat at the gym. I think one should embrace their baldness. But then again I have hair.)  or sitting at a table in the lobby area.

Coffin Wife is working very hard today. She is one of the few people at this gym that will actually look you in the eye and smile when she sees you. Yes, she is on the make. What’s that song…”Only the Lonely….” So she works up a good sweat then gets off the elliptical and goes outside and smokes a cigarette! Then, comes back inside and gets right back up on the elliptical!

REALLY! – Smokes a cigarette?

My experience is the cigarette always wins.

-Next: Butt, Sweat and Tears

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The Gym Chronicles – Part 1 “Ispirare”

I joined a gym several weeks ago and for the month of September, I would like to share with you some observations about life at the gym.

Ispirare is Italian for inspire. It is a fun word to say, especially if you emphasize the last syllable . Issspiraaarrre…

Over the last several weeks I have found ispirare watching the old people at the gym. I will be one of those old people soon and with as much as my knees and back hurt all the time, I’m just hoping that I can walk around the block when I get to the age of the the guy I want to tell you about.

This guy instills ispirare.  Since I’ve been on this Soprano’s kick lately let’s describe this guy by saying that he looks like Uncle Junior with 15 more years on him. He comes dressed in tennis shoes, Fingerhut double-knit slacks, a long sleeve plaid shirt with snap buttons and a baseball style cap with a mesh back and “Fitzgerald’s” and a four-leaf clover on the front.

Uncle Junior works the treadmill. He walks a good pace for about 30 minutes and then on the bicycle for about 15. When he is completed with his cardio Uncle Junior heads over to the free weights area, takes the 2-pound weights and does some over the head lifts then leaves.

So many people his age would be sitting in an old folks home griping about how the world sucks, but ol’ Uncle Junior is getting out there.

Total ISPIRARE.

 

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